& Why Sometimes Those Stories Don’t Serve Us Well!

Our human brain loves a story. It loves to make sense of things. It takes the events in our lives, mixes them with our past experiences, and produces a story that we’ll accept as our truth. And most of the time, this storytelling serves us well, it helps us connect with others, makes our world feel more predictable, and even keeps us safe.

But here’s the catch: our brains are not perfect storytellers. In fact, they often delete, distort, or generalise the information that comes in, adapting the narrative to fit what we already believe. It’s like having a puzzle that doesn’t quite fit together, so our brain manipulates some pieces to make them align. This isn’t a conscious process; it’s just how our minds filter the massive amount of data around us. To give you an idea of how much our brains deal with, we’re exposed to an estimated 11 million bits of information every second, yet we can only consciously process around 50 bits.

So, our brain has to be selective. Here’s how this works, and sometimes, how it might work against us.

Deleting, Distorting, and Generalising: The Brain’s Filter System

Let’s imagine a situation. A child named Sam tells us: “Sarah was mean to me today. She said she was playing with someone else and would play with me tomorrow.” Sam’s brain has already started editing the story. Because he’s hurt, his brain might delete details that don’t fit the feeling—like Sarah’s kind smile or how she said she looked forward to playing tomorrow. Instead, his brain focuses on the part that felt like rejection. Sam’s mind might even begin to generalise that people who tell you when you can and can’t play are mean, creating a broader belief based on this one experience.

Then comes distortion. When Sam recalls Sarah’s words, he might remember her saying something she never did, like “I don’t like playing with you.” This distortion matches the story his brain has started to tell—that Sarah doesn’t like him. Over time, Sam might even interpret Sarah’s next smile as a smirk, evidence to support the story his brain has created.

Why Does Our Brain Do This?

There’s a reason our brain sometimes twists stories like this: it’s trying to protect us. When we’re hurt, our mind doesn’t want us to repeat painful situations, so it “reworks” our perception of events, often to keep us from getting hurt again. Our brain loves certainty and patterns, so it’s wired to take incomplete pieces of a story and make them fit together.

But these protective stories aren’t always helpful. Instead of shielding us, they can keep us stuck. If Sam doesn’t question his interpretation, he may miss out on a friendship with Sarah or find himself holding onto hurt that isn’t based in reality.

Learning to Rewrite the Story

So, how can we change the stories that don’t serve us?

  1. Pause and Question the Story. When a situation feels upsetting or someone’s actions hurt us, pause and ask: “What am I assuming here?” Just becoming aware of our assumptions—like whether Sarah’s smile was friendly or mean—helps us see where we might have distorted the facts.
  2. Seek More Information. For children, teens, and adults alike, a powerful tool is curiosity. In Sam’s case, he might talk to Sarah about how he felt rather than assuming she doesn’t like him. Encouraging curiosity instead of quick conclusions can help us discover the full story and avoid over generalising.
  3. Challenge Generalisations. Parents can help children by gently pointing out when they’re making sweeping statements. For example, if Sam says, “People are mean if they won’t play with me,” a parent could ask, “Can you think of any times when you’ve chosen to play with one friend one day and another friend another day? Does that mean you’re being mean?” This helps build empathy and breaks down the rigid beliefs that can form in our minds.
  4. Reframe the Narrative with Positivity. Once we notice our negative stories, we can work to rewrite them in ways that empower us. Instead of “Sarah doesn’t want to play with me,” we could help Sam think, “Sarah enjoys playing with other friends too, and tomorrow we’ll have a chance to play together.”
  5. Focus on the “So What?” Sometimes, we find ourselves needing validation from others to make our stories feel real. But by asking “So what does this mean for me?” we can take control of the story. It’s important to remember that we hold the pen in our own stories, even when things don’t go our way.

Turning Stories into Empowerment

Helping young people, and even ourselves, understand the power of storytelling can be incredibly freeing. When we recognise that our brains are wired to filter information and create stories, we realise that we have the choice to challenge and rewrite those stories. Instead of getting stuck in narratives that limit us, we can create ones that help us grow, connect, and feel empowered.

So the next time you find yourself, or your child, caught in a story that feels discouraging, take a moment to pause, question, and rewrite. This small act can lead to big changes, turning limiting beliefs into a mindset that’s open, resilient, and ready to embrace life’s full story.

A little brain joke for you…

Why did the neuron get invited to every party?

Because it had a lot of connections!